She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
