you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
