im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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