Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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