Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
