I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
