all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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