I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
