Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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