the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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