Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
