1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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