and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
