Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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