Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
