i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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