If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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