You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
