Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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