I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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