Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
