Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
