If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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