My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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