Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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