i wish my penis had a tongue
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
