fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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