if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic