he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?