Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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