She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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