Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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