I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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