Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
