Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
