I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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