I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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