Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
