How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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