i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
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if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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