I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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