So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm like, not good at living.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
