guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
