my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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