Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
