if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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