I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
