Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
