I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
