i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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