some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
