If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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