We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
