I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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