i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum