he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am one with the molecules
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch