Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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