I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
