i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
