anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Two words: nipple clamps
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